Goal Change for J

The day before signing the intent to adopt D, I went to a case review for our now 7-year old foster son, J. His mom was present and we had a nice conversation in the hallway about all of the things that she had at home, ready for him and his sisters (though she probably will not be able to keep them). It was good to see her excitement, but then she had some conversation with a counseling agency, became upset and left the building. Since she was not present to give her side of the case, the judge looked at the agency's statements about missing visits for 9 weeks in a row without reason, and changed J's goal back to adoption. I still maintain that only God knows what the best outcome for these kids is, and trust that He can work in J's mom's life and all of the kid's lives whether they are together or apart. I fluctuate between between frustrated by the length of time his mom has had to make things right to be able to bring them home, and understanding all of the barriers she has to overcome and desiring for her to made whole and the family whole too. Nothing will look any different for now- still having visits scheduled weekly and the agency could extend visits if they are going well, but the agency is also filing another petition for termination of rights since she only started showing an interest in copying 2 weeks before court. Taking one step at a time, trying to empathize with and encourage J along the way.

Signing the Intent

So we officially signed the intent to adopt D yesterday. It was a surreal moment, and Matt and I talked afterwards that we probably should have prayed again before signing, but it also seems dangerous to think too much and let our own worries creep in when for about 10 years we have been praying about adoption, talking about it with many people, learning about it and other's experiences, growing in our ability to love kids that we did not give life to, etc. So the form is off to our agency, and though there will still be many hoops to jump through and about 9 months of paperwork and approval, it was a big step!

The Family Business
(My idea for a book :)
Thanks to the Holy Spirit, many influential people, and the church, Matt and I have been given a big picture of who God is, His heart for the world and the people in it. The goal for our family is for Matt and me to be able to show this picture of God to others- through uniting in marriage,  being able to bear children as a gift of that unity, and now through adoption. The themes of marriage, children, and adoption are woven throughout the bible, and as we live it out, we see the Word is living and active- God is in, before, and behind us in it all. This will be a book to read whenever our family needs a reminder, or we are telling others why or how we were led to this process of adoption. And thank you to all of the artists that will provide beautiful pictures to go along with the stories, all of whom have also been involved in fostering or adopting in some way. Enjoy!

Expecting

We're in that phase similar to pregnancy when it's nearing your due date and you just want to meet your baby, but you also know it's going to be a lot more work once they're on the outside :)

Tuesday, February 13th, D's mom made the intensely difficult decision to surrender her parental rights to D and his three siblings. For any who might wonder, "how could a mom do that?", after seeing J's mom drag out her case for over 4 years, I see how this can be an even more loving act than I could have imagined. In court, a DHS worker said D should be moved over to our home by the end of the week....think when a contractor tells you the job should only take a week :) We have learned that there was a caseworker that left the agency, creating more paper shuffling,  and the entire case is switching over to our private agency to handle their temporary foster placements as well as adoptions. This second piece was actually welcomed news because we were originally told they had to turn down the case on the adoption side because of inadequate staffing, so we would need to practically start over with an adoption profile with a different agency- so thankful for that! I got a call just now as I was typing, and also found out that 2 different cousins of the family down in Texas have called to look into taking all of the siblings. Back to that last post- continually trusting that our desires, a true need, and God's plan will all be made known in time. If there are appropriate family members able to care for these children and keep them together, it would be hard now that I have set my heart on a particular vision for the future, but we would also be thankful for the chance for these children to be together with loving family pursuing them from across the U.S. They have a lot of steps to go through, and the agencies are still planning to move D over to us as soon as possible, but it will be looming in the back of my mind, and a regular prayer request. So with a bed, clothes, car seat, name letter on the wall, etc. in place- we wait expectantly for at least the next step in the process- getting D back under our roof.

Trusting

I almost titled this post "disappointment", but despite the disappointing things this week, our reliance on and trust in God's leading is prevailing. J's birthday was this past week, and we brought his sisters with us to Legoland discovery center, then met up with their former foster family. The kids were all having a wonderful time, we were happy connecting not only with another Christian foster family, but with the family who loved these kids specifically for over 2 years. The next day, however, I got a call from the girl's foster mom, who said J's older sister was emotional and asking about why they gave them up. So while we felt it was beneficial for J to see them, we realize it wasn't our call to let the girls join us for that, and we have been told we're not allowed to see the previous family again. I understand the potential emotional risks, but I'm disappointed for the kid's current emotions, missing these siblings, wondering if they are thought of, etc. I put myself in their situation and even though it may be hard to go back to life without them I would still like to see them! So the trusting part comes in that if we continue to have J with us, and we maintain a relationship with this other foster family, maybe God can still keep us connected.

Second, the day after this party, J's actual birthday, I was trying to make it special for him while also being emotionally and physically dividing my time going to court fr our first foster son, D. The judge ended up moving through 2 of the 3 steps of termination of her parental rights, with the third to happen in just a few weeks. D's mom, sister, and grandma remembered me and were very warm, friendly, and pleading for me to take D back, saying they really didn't like where he was now, and that she would be so happy to know that we could give him a permanent home. I trust since we have only had a handful of interactions that it really must be God softening her heart to us. So her lawyer asked the judge specifically in her plea to have D moved to us and would surrender her rights. So I was expecting again to come home, buy a mattress for his old bed since J is using the other one in the bunk bed now- but the foster worker said her supervisor does not see the need to move him until something is finalized. Again the disappointment gave way to trust as I saw over the rest of the week how busy my schedule would be with family visits for two children, all of our other activities, etc. So maybe God knows that we need to wait to have him back?

Lastly, it has been almost a full month since the judge changed the goal for J to be reunited with his sisters and mom at home, and she has not showed up for any of the parenting time since. I thought surely she would come this week, being 2 days after his birthday. J would say things like, "I get to celebrate with J(mom), I wonder what she got me"....and I would redirect with saying something like, "it'll just be good to spend time together, right?"....and that didn't even happen. I was so heartbroken when I went to pick him up and the visit supervisor said she didn't show again. The trusting in this case comes in, in that the agency will now file again for termination, on grounds of her not showing up for visits or the family therapy sessions. So maybe it is really one step closer to his permanent home- whether with us, or with his sisters somewhere else.

A Big Court Date

Hi friends and family, I just wanted to give an update on J and his family after a court date on Friday. It was strange to have J placed with us, and immediately have a court date to terminate her parental rights (this is the 3rd time though it has been requested by DHS and the agency though) So his goal was adoption and everything seemed to be moving that way because of his mom not meeting certain requirements for the last 4 years. So three more court hearings later, the judge seemed to make a 'final' decision (though there is a review in another 2 months). Trying to make a long story short, Joshua's youngest sister who is 3 years old and has lived in her current foster home since she was 3 days old, was formally removed from her mom's custody and will be adopted by the foster mom (who is a wonderful woman by the way, has fostered 55 children, adopted 2, etc.) 

J and his two sisters were ordered back home with their mom. No one knows what the time frame will be, but we will continue weekly visits with his mom and two sisters, then an additional monthly visit with all 3 of the sisters, then will gradually move to overnight visits and such. I'm sort of hoping he won't have to move before school is finished, so he doesn't have to attend 4 different schools in one school year. There were many mixed emotions in the court room Friday, with J's mom being very upset and emotional about losing her youngest daughter, everyone else being unhappy that after all these years, they will be moving back with a woman they see as inadequate to care for herself, let alone 3 young children...however, thanks to our experiences with Poverty Resolutions in Haiti, we agree with the court's point that poverty cannot be held against a parent. We don't want to get to the point in our country where people have to give up their children because of not having resources  like education, housing, food, etc. despite the reasons why. Thankfully she was able to testify that she has never harmed her children, and though she cannot give them all that our own children have, or that J would have with us, but we're praying that he will have has a safe environment to grow up in, and what he needs to grow into a wonderful man who loves God and loves others. Tonight I read/recapped the story of Daniel to all of the kids and discussed how the faith of a probably 15 year old boy caused so many others to believe in God. So we're trusting and praying that God can impart faith in Him even at such young ages, that his time with the previous foster family and ours were hopefully enough of a foundation of faith to carry him on to the next people God will bring into his life. 

So if you could just be praying for us to help J have a good transition, as we believe D did- encouraging Josh, his mom and his sisters as they get into a new routine and lifestyle, and handle the inevitable cancellations as there have been in the past, trust in God as humans make good and bad decisions that affect others. And speaking of D, many of you knew that he and his siblings were removed again and we were asked if we would take him back. We said yes about a month ago, but then haven't heard anything since (he was taken and placed by another agency, so it's sometimes hard to get information). So we understand that even when parents get second (or third, or seventh) chances, children's lives are affected, but we will continue to do whatever we feel God wants us to do int he situation without judgement. 

Thank you for your continued support of us and especially in the ways you have cared for D and J!

With love,

Courtney

Our New Placement, J

On Thursday night, November 2nd, I listened to a voicemail from a number I didn't recognize. It was a call for us to take a new foster placement. We had recently finished our adoption home study and profile, so I honestly had not even been thinking about foster calls. I called right back for a little more information. We knew his age and that there were some slight medical needs, and I thought I understood that there was a family who wanted to adopt him and his two sisters, so he would just be with us until that could be finalized. That last detail would have deterred us originally since we wanted to adopt, but this time, it made it slightly easier to say yes, especially if the medical needs ended up being more involved than presented. Matt and I spent the night talking and praying, and without too much debate, we said yes the following morning. I got a call mid-morning Friday afternoon asking if someone could drop him off that night. She and J called me on the way so he could ask if we had video games at our house, and was very excited to learn that we had a Wii. The first weekend was full of our normal activities, resulting in staying up later, making a lot of noise...it was definitely borderline chaotic, but mostly fun. J was wild and most from one thing to another when we were at home, wanting to see and do everything, but out of the house for sporting games, he was relaxed and quietly took it all in. We tried to get in the habit of giving J medication each morning, then again before he ate, tried to be clear about our routines and expectations, ask him a lot of questions and make space for his input. The first week was full of appointments- doctor's, registering for school, meeting with mom and siblings, and a couple from our church offered to watch our other three kids while I went to his mom's court hearing. School was out two days out of the week for voting and teacher's conferences, they hadn't received J's IEP yet, so both us and his new teacher just did the best we could for the days that he was there. I also had a ticket to fly to Florida that weekend for Grandi's memorial service, Matt was registered for a church retreat, and the friends who were planning on keeping our children agreed to watch one more...what a blessing!  So even though I arrived around 1am on Monday morning, I was excited to start this week with nothing too crazy out of the ordinary. It will be nice for all of us, especially J to get in somewhat of a routine! I am also looking forward to talking with J's caseworker about what to tell him about the outcome of his mom's court case. I was only able to attend Wednesday's court appointment, and seeing as how the judge didn't start hearing the case until 3 hours after it was scheduled, then had to break for a meeting, I only got to hear mom's testimony. It was still informative, especially going out to lunch afterwards with his former foster mom, his court advocate, and Wraparound leader. The following day I received a message from his former foster mom that after all of the "best-interest" witnesses had presented, the judge had ruled to terminate her parental rights. Many involved in the case we happy to finally have some closure since the children have been in foster care for 4 years, and this was the 4th termination hearing. I was very confused then when I got a call Friday asking when we could do parenting visits the following week. It turned out that no one published the court date in the newspaper for the fathers to see and have a chance to show up and fight for their rights, so the case is staying open for one more month to allow for this. I am praying she uses this last month of visits to leave lasting positive memories with J! Many have asked if this means that we can legally adopt J, and honestly we don't even want to think about yet- we are first grieving for his loss of family, just trying to make him feel safe, loved, and welcome here. With Thanksgiving, Christmas, and his birthday at the end of January, it seems like it would be a busy time of year to make any decisions, and I think he would be overwhelmed to learn that he wouldn't be seeing his mom again, his siblings as often, or going back to "his house" ever again. Lots of listening for the Holy Spirit going forward to know when/if there will be a right time to switch the conversation to him becoming a permanent family member in our home or somewhere else.