Things To Read

"Adopted For Life" The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches" (Reading Currently)

"Adoption as a ministry, Adoption as a Blessing" Michelle Gardner

"Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft" Mary Hopkins-Best

"Carried Safely Home: The Spiritual Legacy of an Adoptive Family" Kristin Wong

"Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families with Special Needs Kids." "Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping
   Adoptive Families Heal" Gregory Keck

"Adoptive Families" Magazine

"Our Own: Adoptive and Parenting the Older Child" Trish Maskew

"Jewel Among Jewels Adoption Network"/ Adoptionjewels.org

"Twenty Things ADopted Kids Wis Their Adoptive Parents Knew" Sherri Eldridge

"The Adoption Decision" Laura Christianson

Song Lyrics That Inspire

"Break my heart til it moves my hands and feet. For the hopeless and the broken. For the ones that don't know that you love them. Bring your love to life inside of me." Big Daddy Weave "Love Come To Life"

" At the cross you beckon me. you dr me gently to my knees, and I am lost for words, so lost in love, I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered." Jeremy Riddle "Sweetly Broken"

"I'm forgiven because you were forsaken. I'm accepted,you were condemned. Amazing love, how can it be that You, my King would die for me? Amazing love, I know it's true, and it's my joy to honor you." Billy James Foote "You Are My King"

"My richest gain I count but loss and pour contempt on all my pride... Oh the won't fil cross bids me come and die and find that I may truly live." Chris Tomlin "The Wonderful Cross"

"Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord to thee. take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise. Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of thy love. Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee. Take my voice and let me sing always only for my King. Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from thee. Take my silver and my gold, not a mite would I withhold. Take my intellect and use, every power as you choose. Here am I, all of me. Take my life, it's all for thee. Take my will and make it thine, it shall be no longer mine. Take my heart it is thine own, it shall be Thy royal throne. Take my love, my Lord I pour, at your feet it's treasure store. Take myself and I will be, ever only all for thee." Chris Tomlin "Take my Life"

"Blessed be your name in the land that is plentiful, there your streams of abundance flow....blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness. You give and take away...my heart will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be Your name' " Matt Redman "Blessed Be Your Name"

" Everyone needs compassion, a love that never failing...everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior, the hope of nations. Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation. So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures. Fill my life again. I give my life to follow everything I believe in, now I surrender."Hillsongs "Mighty to Save"

"We are the light of the world, we are a city on a hill, we gotta let the light shine" Kari Jobe "We Are"

"I see a generation, rising up to take their place with selfless faith, selfless faith" Hillsong "Hosanna"

"'Cause He who is in me, is greater than I will ever be and I will rise" Shawn McDonald "Rise"

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

Book notes from the above book, written bySherrie Eldridge

pg.5 "To deny adoption loss is to deny the emotional reality of everyone involved."

pg.7 "The pain of adoption is not something that happens to a person; it is the person."

pg.10 "Many adoptees, no matter how positive their adoptive home, live with this unspoken fear of rejection." "Adoptees not only need to be given permission to talk about they uncomfortable feelings, they need to be openly invited and encouraged to do so."

pg.11 "False guilt is the emotion we experience when something painful happens over which we had no control, but for which we feel responsible."

pg.15 "Because most adoptions of infants are the result of crisis pregnancies, there is at the chance that the birth mother's constant emotional distress will have a negative impact on the baby. If she chooses the way of self-protection, emotionally detaching herself from her baby, the child will sense this rejection and it may become the lens through which she views life."

pg.18 Acknowledge the reality of adoption from day one, saying things like "I'm so glad we adopted you. I'm so glad you're ours." This way, the subject becomes familiar instead of denied. Initiate conversations about pre adoption perceptions: "Do you ever wonder about your birth mother? What was your life like for you with your birth parents? Whenever you want to share your memories with us, we are always ready to listen. Validate the fact that your family has been touched by adoption and has special challenges. Create a nonjudgmental environment where they can express any emotion or thought. Learn to say, "It's all right to feel as you do. Tell me more about it." Celebrate differences between your adopted child and your biological family: "Your creativity brings such as added dimension to our family. How blessed we are to have you!" Be sensitive to the child's unspoken needs for a tangible connection to their biological past. As the child grows, respect their need to consider searching for or reconnecting with their biological family.

pg.25 "It's painful to enter into your child's suffering. It's so much easier to assume that all is well inside your child, especially if she hasn't manifested any obvious problems. But all adoptive children have been wounded, simply because they experienced a profound loss before they were embraced by their new family."

pg.27 "We're sorry too that you didn't grow in mommy's tummy." :We feel sad that we could't be with you in the past to make your world safe and secure."

pg.35 "The more open your adoption is, the larger the base of support will be for your child."

pg.38 Emotional Needs: *I need help recognizing my adoption loss and grieving it. *I need to be assures that my birth parents' decision not to parent me had nothing to do with anything defective in me/ * I need help in learning to deal with my fears of rejection- to learn that absence doesn't mean abandonment, nor a closed door that I have done something wrong. *I need permission to express all my adoption feelings and fantasies.  Educational Needs: *I need to be taught that adoption is both wonderful and painful, presenting lifelong challenges for everyone involved. *I need to know my adoption story first, then my birth story and birth family. *I need to be taught healthy ways for getting my special needs met. *I need to be prepared for hurtful things others may ay about adoption and about me as an adoptee. Validation Needs: *I need validation of my dual heritage. *I need to be assured often that I am welcome and worthy. *I need to be reminded often by my adoption parents that they delight in my biological differences and appreciate my birth family's unique contribution to our family through me. Parental Needs: *I need parents who are skillful at meetings their own emotional needs so that I can grow up with healthy role models and be free to focus on my development, rather than taking care of them. *I need parents who are willing to put aside preconceived notions about adoption and be educated about the realities of adoption and the special needs adoptive families face. *I need my adoptive and birth parents to have a noncompetitive attitude. Without this, I will struggle with loyalty issues. Relational Needs: I need friendships with other adoptees. *I need to be taught that there is a time to consider searching for my birth family and a times to give up searching. *I need to be reminded that if I am rejected by my birth family, the rejection is symptomatic of their dysfunction, not mine. Spiritual Needs: *I need to be taught that my life narrative began before I was born and that my life is not a mistake. *I need to be taught that in this broke, hurting world, loving families are formed through adoption as well as birth. *I need to be tight that I have intrinsic, immutable value as a human being. *I need to accept the fact that some of my adoption questions will never be answered in this life.

pg.47 If there is pain, the only way out is through.

pg.59 Adoption is a gift, because I am a gift.

pg.65 "Adoptive parents, especially mothers, often get the brunt of the adoptee's anger, for they are present. It is more difficult to be angry with someone who is a mystery (the birth parents). While the adoptee may harbor deep rage at the birth mother, often she is not consciously aware of it." "Children need to be taught that anger is a friend. It was created by God for a purpose; to tell us that there's a problem that needs to be confronted. Anger is a way for children to know that their experience is different than someone else's."

pg.67 "The difference between adoptee anger and any other kind of anger is that adoptees rarely talk only about their adoption-related anger at home. Why? First, it is bad practice to bite the hand that feeds you. Second, it makes parents uncomfortable. So, they store it up and let it out in other ways, some of them anti-social."

pg.70 "Emphasize to your child the true reason for relinquishment. Assure them they were not placed for adoption because of any defect in them, but because of the birth parent's inability to parent."

pg.77 Make a fairy tale about our children's adoption story. They naturally use fantasy and play to interpret and express reality. Include themes of loss (being forgotten), rescue (being found), and redemption (being worthy).

pg. 80 Make a grief box. Contains their losses, in words or items.

pg.82 Make a life book (maybe with a picture of them on the front, made into a puzzle, left some pieces missing). Write letters to their birth parents.

pg. 87 Idea to ask birth family for any baby items as keepsakes

pg. 88 Superman was adopted! :)

pg. 91 "As it has been shown in the often tumultuous relationship bewtween the adoptee and the adoptive mother, women are often seen as abandoners. The difficulty in bonding with the adoptive mother is not so much a matter of trust as it is a matter of loyalty to that first mother."

pg. 94 Ask often, "If you could ask me anything, what would it be?"

pg. 97 "It's important for parents to be aware of the adoptee's unconscious tendency toward this victim mind-set and also their need for compasson, for the adopted child literally was a victim. The feeling of being a victim is not just a fantasy, but a reality. Being abandoned often leaves one with a permanent feeling of being at the mercy of others."

pg. 104 Buy the children a picture frame with two openings, one for their first family, one for their second family

pg. 109 Help children bless their upbringing: bestow goodness, honor/beautify, to be in favor of, endorse, to smile upon, to pardon

pg. 112 Hiding things about their family may cause feelings of shame, "Was there something awful about my past or me that made you so nervous?"

pg. 114 Adoption is a lifelong journey. Questions about the birth family arise at different developmental stages.

pg. 121 Write a welcome letter to the children- welcome to the world, welcome to our family

pg. 122 Toxic shame forces us to be more than human (perfect), or less than human (a slob) . Healthy shame allows us to make mistakes, which are an integral part of beging human. The best way you as an adoptive parent can help free your child from tocis shame is to learn to laugh at your own foibles and mistakes. Because your child may believe they are a mistake, they need us to model that being human is ok. Show them our humanity. Tell them when we blow it. Help them see people don't deserve to be rejected. Teach the joy of forgiving, being forgiven, and forgiving oneself.

pg.124 "I'm here, you're safe, I won't leave you." (fear of abandonment)

pg. 141 Basic boundaries to learn: 1- "Birth mommy and I were the same, but now we are not, her lifestyle and choices don't define my identity", 2- "Adoptive mommy and I are the same." 3- Adoptive mommy and I are not the same" (take risks, mirror back things that define them- you are a hard worked!) 4- "I can do anything" (gained a sense of personal power, no longer helpless)

pg. 142 "Let your child know that their 'no' is as lovable as their 'yes'. "I love you just as much when you are angry."

pg.143 Affirmations/Committments to our children: *I will do my best to connect with you *You can count on me *You can push, but I will not let you push me away *I will care for you and for myself *We can both tell the truth and be responsble for our behaviors *I support you in learning what you may want to know about your heritage and history *You are lovable just the way you are

pg. 146 Idea: Bring info./pictures about children's heritage to our family reunions.

pg. 149 Won't bringing up differences between the children and us make them feel different, alienate them from our family? No- acknowledging the differences will only validate the emotional reality which existed long before we ever laid eyes on them. We will be saying what they already know to be true, affirming their reality. Tells us their past is important to us. Acknowledging differences is the foundation for healthy self-esteem. Do not over-emphasize the children's differences at the expense of our own heritage and traditions.

pg.176 Don't look for problems where there are none, not all kids have adjustment/attachment issues.

pg. 194 Permissive parenting out of pity or fear of hurting the children can produce a child who feels like an illegitimate son or daughter, not truly belonging.

pg. 197 *Be a confident parent *Be affectionate with each other *Maintain a united front  *Let me make choices *Give me freedom to learn from consequences *Don't discipline me n anger

pg. 209 "I hope you are beginning to see that even the part of an adoptee's journey that can be the most frightening for both of you can actually lead to significant growth and blessing. I hope you can begin to recognize your family for what it is: a grafted tree. Magnificent to behold. One of a kind. Contrary to nature. Intricate roots sprouting luxuriant leaves. Loaded with challenges for a gardener, but ultimately yielding a harvest of unparallled sweetness.

Why start a blog?

* Organize our thoughts, ideas, feelings, plans
* Share the above with friends and family so they can see how our hearts are being led in the process
* Have a record of our journey
* Serve as a resource for others who may be looking to do a similar thing
* Draw input from friends, family, or others who have gone through a similar process

Letter to Family and Friends

We sent this letter to our families and close friends to let them know of our intentions and to join with us in beginning to pray and plan for the future.

Hello there!

You are receiving this letter because you are extremely important to Matt, Ellie, Liam and myself and we want to share with you something that has been on our hearts for a while. You have probably heard Matt and I talk of adoption, and we are really feeling led to start taking steps on this journey.  We have always talked as though there are members of our family not living in our home, we just do not know who they are yet. But the picture is becoming a little clearer. So before we get too far, we wanted you to know that we consider you an essential part of this process too, and welcome your questions and concerns. Despite these, we hope that you can share in our excitement in this time of ‘expecting’ just like with Elyana and Liam.  

To start, we want to share a little about our motivations, expectations, and plans for adoption, understanding that we are open to them changing as we go forward.
Motivating Factors:

Mission Trips: I (Courtney) am thankful to my parents and other supporters for the many opportunities to go on mission trips and see the needs of children, here in the U.S and abroad, which I guess is where I first probably felt the call to do something to help.  

Trying to follow God: As Matt and I were dating, we talked of wanting our marriage to be a vessel to serve others. We consider God’s Word foundational to our marriage and as we read "True religion is this; to care for the orphan and widow in their distress, and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." (James 1:27), we felt like this was a directive we should and could follow in some way. After having our own children and engaging in life with many families who have adopted, we felt more and more like our call is to care for orphans in our home, through the process of adoption. God has also challenged us to purposely take steps of faith and transform our lives to look different because of the hope and trust that we have in Jesus Christ as Lord. We see adoption as an urgent need socially, for the greater good of society, and personally for each child because God sees them and knows their heartache. Adoption is also a visible way we can all remember our own adoption into God's family. (Romans 11:11-36).  

Expectations (We acknowledge that there are a lot of things to consider when choosing to adopt. Here are some of the questions we have already begun praying about and discussing.)

      Won't Ellie and Liam feel like we are taking time and attention from them?

The basic truth is that none of us got to choose our siblings, or how many we wanted.  We hope to teach our children that we should all be grateful for whatever family we are given and that it is God who sets us in families (Psalm 68:6).  We will make extra efforts to help each child feel appreciated and loved for their uniqueness.  We are committed to increasing their sense of belonging as much as possible, assuring each is connected equally as our child: "For God does not show favoritism" (Romans 2:11). 

      Won’t it cost a lot of money and take a long time?

After some basic research, we are leaning towards public adoption agencies for a foster care adoption - adopting children who are currently in the foster care system. According to multiple websites (it's on the Internet, it's gotta be true), these adoptions can be virtually free and take as little as three months. Even most of the application fees and legal fees are reimbursed in tax credits.  So while there may be significant up front costs, the total cost will be relatively low.  Our church also has an adoption fund that offers grants for adoptions. Even though I said these types of adoptions can be very quick, they also have the highest probability of problems - custody, birth parents, behavioral issues, etc. So we covet prayers for this aspect already.  

      What about the children's birth parents?

We are not pursuing adoption for the purpose of making our family something for our own good, but rather to "offer our bodies as living sacrifices" for whatever work God has us to do. So we are prepared for the fact that the children we are looking to adopt have birth parents who may or may not still be a part of the children's lives. If we are able to minister to parents as well as children, we will welcome this, even if it is difficult for us - like visiting them, writing them, even helping to reunite them some day. We will be thankful to God for the chance to love children and parents for whatever period of time we are given them (including Ellie and Liam). 

Should we be open to adoption of children of a different race, won't they get made fun of, feel excluded, etc.?

Here in the US, more children in the foster care system are African American than any other race. Selfishly, if we had our way, we would probably choose children who look just like us, act just like us, love the same things we love, etc. but this is pretty unrealistic, right? God has been revealing to us that the Gospel is a message of unity under Christ’s rule- every nation, tribe, and tongue together, and our family could be a great symbol of what's to come. A multi-racial family may even be a great way to start conversations with people and share the Gospel. We would welcome the chance to learn about and celebrate a different race, their traditions, etc. 

Plans:

Homeschooling: We are planning to home school our children mainly because of how we have seen it strengthen family relationships and values, open up cool learning and travel opportunities, and would be an easier environment to welcome a new family member into. This will also give us more time to develop relationships with all of our children. 

Adoptiong Older Children: We are planning to adopt older sibling children (technically classified as age 2 and up).  Matt and I have been enjoying each stage of Ellie and Liam’s lives better than the last, and would be happy to leave infancy behind us. We would like for those who aren't able to have their own children to be able to adopt infants. Older children are generally not adopted as quickly, especially if they have siblings they do not want to be separated from and we want them to be able to stay together. If we had our way, we would adopt a girl Ellie’s age and a boy Liam’s age, so that each pair can experience life stages with one another. 

      There seems to be no better way in life than raising children to live out the following verse: "He must become greater, I must become less" (I John 13:30), because children require so much time, attention, and selfless love. We have been learning more and more in parenthood that we cannot just pray for something (like more patience), or even gain it through practice to the point where we do not need God - He won't let that happen.  So while having more children will certainly bring more trials it also will bring us closer to God. We may be called to make little sacrifices (like trading in our awesome Rav4 for a basic minivan), or big ones (like buying a home), but like King David said, "I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God with that which costs me nothing" (2 Sam. 24:24).
      Even the initial research and discussion of this journey has produced in us an increased attitude of thankfulness for our own children and our families. So thank you again for being the kind of family that we are excited to bring more children into. Know that we love you and appreciate your opinions as we strive to follow God in ‘defending the weak and fatherless; uphold(ing) the cause of the poor and the oppressed’ Psalm 82:3.
Love,
Matt, Courtney, Elyana, Liam, and....

Words From the Lord

Some of our favorite passages about adoption:

"Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 82:3-4

"A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy habitation. God sets the solitary in families." Psalm 68:5-6

"For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality nor takes a bribe. He administers justice for he fatherless and the widow, and loves the stranger, giving him food and clothing. Therefore love the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt." Deuteronomy 10:17-19

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God, and that is what we are." 1 John 3:1

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:18

"Oh God, here I am, your servant, your faithful servant, set me free for your service" Psalm 116:16

"Do not repay evil with evil, or insult with incsult, but with blessing." 1 Peter 3:9

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me" Matthew 25:40

"Whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name, welcomes me." Matthew 18:5

"For whoever does the will of my Father in Heaven is my brother, and sister, and mother." Matthew 12:50

"is this not the fast which I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yolk, and to let the oppressed go free and break every yolk? Is it not to divide your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into the house; when you see the naked, to cover him...and if you give yourself yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in the darkness...and the Lord will continually guide you...and you will be like a well-watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail." excerpts from Isaiah 58

"And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as hs son. Ensure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplned by their father. If youd are not disciplined- and everyone underdoes discipline- then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplned us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They discplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousnes and peace for those who have been trained by it." Heb. 12:5-11

"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you" John 14:18

"If the part of the dough offered as firstfruits is holy, then the whole batch is holy; if the root is holy, so are the branches. If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a while olive shoot have been gafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, do not consider yourself to be superior to those other branches. If you do, consider this';you do not support the root, but the root supports you. You will say then, "Branches were broken off so that I could be grafted in." Granted. But they were broken off because of unbelief, and you stand by faith. Do not be arrogant, but tremble. For if God did not spare the natural branches, he will not spare you either. Consider therefore the kindness and sternmnes of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that  you continue in his kindness. Othersise, you also will be cut off. And if they do not persist in unbelief, they wll be grated in, for God is able to graft them in again. After all, if you were cut out of an olive tree that is wild by nature, and contrary to nature were grafted into a cultivated olive tree, how much more readily wll these, the natural branches, be grafted into their own olive tree. Romans 11: 16-24

"Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation- but it is not to the flesh, to live according to t. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The spirit you revieved does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father" The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs- heirs of God and co-heris with Christ, in ineed we share in his suddering in order that we may also share in his glrory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship the redempton of our bodies. " Rom. 8:12-23

"I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me; I was found by those who did not seek me. To a nation that did not call on my name, I said, "Here am I." All day long I have held out my hands to an obstinant people, who walks in ways not good, pursuing their own imaginations a people who continually provoke me to my very face." Isaiah 65:1-2

"There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. Ephesians 4:5-6

"God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number, fill the earth and subdue it." Gen 1:28

"If the members of the community close their eyes when that man sacrifices one of his children to Molek and if they fail to put him to death, I myself will set my face against him and his family and will cut them off from their people together with all who follow him in prostituting themseleves to Molek." Leviticus 20:4-5

" For in you the fatherless find compassion." Hosea 14:3

"In that day, declares the Lord, I will gather the lame; I will assemble the exiles and those I have brought to grief. I will make the lame my remnant, those driven away a strong nation." Micah 4:6-7

"I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this is what you were pleased to do." Matthew 11:25

"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderes or addicted to much wne, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." Titus 2:3-5

"Therefore, if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or ceain cnceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3-4

"In Him we were also chosen, having been predestned according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will." Ephesians 1:11

"For you created my inmost beingl you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together n the depths of the eart. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:14-16

"Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4

"The Adoption Decision"

Book Notes From "The Adoption Decision"

pg.9 "When you decide to build your family through adoption, your "parental landscape" changes, and you begin to construct an entirely new mind-set. You excavate long-held beliefs in the improtance of bloodlines and pour a new foundtaion, whose cement is love and commitment for a child with whom you have no genetic connection."

pg.22 Things we should pray for: For God to....
       * Direct our process
       * Help Matt and I agree on the process/direction of adoption
       * To send encouragers and support as we proceed
       * Soften the hearts of those opposed to parts or the whole of adoption
       * Provide wisdom for professionals who advocate on our behalf and the children's
       * Comfort and direct our future children's birth parents
       * Protection and love for our future children

In this journey towards adoption, we will experience the thrill of excitement mixed with fear of the unknown. We will learn everything we can. At some point, we wll take a leap of faith, unsure about what's in store, but committing to devote the remainder of our lives to the children we hope to add to our family.

Blood is thicker than water concept: The Bible offers a different view of this old saying. God chooses us to be his adopted children. God's son, Jesus, gives us a new birth (adopts us), and and inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritancea- eternal life - is ours because Jesus shed His blood to free us from our sins. Our inheritance is not passed down to us through bloodlines, but through the blood Jesus shed to provide us permanent release from our sins. 

Be willing to live frugally and make sacrifices to save money for adoptions.

Keep our support system informed regularly of updates so they know they are engaging in the process with us.

Find support groups for parents, siblings, and adoptees.

The older the child, the more likely the adoption will be disrupted or dissolved. Children with behavioral and emotional needs and those who've experienced multiple foster care placements have a greater chance of experiencing a disrupted adoption.

When people ask about the children's backgrounds, we could say, "We have some information about their backgrounds and we see ourselves as guardans of their stories. When they're the right age, we will give them their story and they can decide with whom to share it."

When parents adopt older children, we can make more of a love match. We can look for children with whom we share common ground, like introverted, extroverted, sports-minded, or outdoorsy.

Have conversations with our children like, "What do you think? You are going to be sharing mommy and daddy forever. You are sharing your home and your heritage, everything about your life. When you get married, they will be at your wedding. They're going to be your family long after we are gone." This will help them own the adoption process too, and minimize resentment.

Adopting older children has many advantages and disadvantages. We will usually know their medical history, process feelings and memories about their birth families, foster families, know how any negative experiences could be afffecting them. They may lack basic skills for their age, have received poor education. They will have been disappointed by countless adults and uprooted from most like circumstances, have lack of trust for adults. They may cling to us every minute, withdrawl or act reserved. They may rage, bully, manipulate, or act resentful for everything you do. She may love us, but not be able to express it, or receive it. Learn to accept their lack of gratitude with grace, be ready to love unconditionally without expecting anything is return. Adopting older children is not for the faint of heart, but our children are worth the fight. Have a well-developed sense of humor and superb problem-solving skills.

60 percent of the children who age out of foster care end up in prison or in the homeless population.

Give children time and space to observe and absorb our family culture.

Children need consistency- keep schedules and routines they had in foster care.

Expect trouble sleeping, toileting problems, overeating.

Other people are surious and will ask a lot of questions. Use the conversations as opporunities to talk about the joys of adoption and the way God adopts us into His family.

Our job will be to train our children to survive and thrive in a racist world. Talk about racism in age appropraite ways. Explain why people are staring at our family. Identify some of the names that people may call them, or us. Strategize responses to racist jokes, dirty looks, insults, and inferior treatment directed to our children.

From an African American adopted by white parents: "The lack of secure and meaningful attachments to other African American people was a vacuum that bore a hole into the bottom of my self-esteem reserve. Draining steadily out of me was the substance of my postive regard for the person I was...I never wanted my blackness to be nullified, denied, or erased. I just wanted it to be placed in it's proper context within the set of characteristics that made up who I was. I wanted my skin color, physical features, and cultural heritage to be appreciated and valued...I needed them to actively plant the seed in me that this racial part of my person was a good thing."

Rather than fearing the limits of our ability to love, ask God to nudge our heart open a little farther.

We will be our children's primary advocates as we work with pediatricians, specialists social workers, child psychiatrists, caregivers, therapist, insurance providers, and school personnel. We will need to possess several critical characteristics: courage, optimism, willingness to learn, sense of humor, perseverance, creativity, flexibility, determination, and thick skin.

The best gift we can give to our children is a strong marriage.

More than 30% of adopted children have learning or attention problems. Between 40 and 80% of foster children have significant mental health problems. More than 800,000 children with severe detachment disorder come to the attention of the child welfare system every year. Adopted children are 10 times more likely than their nonadopted peers to be at risk for psychological mal-development.

Balancing our children's privacy and their need for specialized attention can be tricky. We want to honor our kids by not revealing the details of their life stories, but we also have to educate people, otherwise, they'll wonder why our kids are always misbehaving.

While openness is steadily increasing in popularity, continuing contact after the child's birth is not always a valid option. I do not advocate for openness when a child has been abused or neglected by the birth parents, or when a birth parent abuses drugs or engages in a lifestyle that could expose their children to emotional or physical safety risks.

Often times the birth parents have little experience setting healthy boundaries in relationships and will struggle during the transition. Anticipate emotional distress from the birth parents, negotiate a tentative action plan for communication.

Choose to look for the best in one another (Birth and adoptive parents), and together, give our children the best of ourselves. Remember our relationship between us is not about us, but about our children.