Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

Book notes from the above book, written bySherrie Eldridge

pg.5 "To deny adoption loss is to deny the emotional reality of everyone involved."

pg.7 "The pain of adoption is not something that happens to a person; it is the person."

pg.10 "Many adoptees, no matter how positive their adoptive home, live with this unspoken fear of rejection." "Adoptees not only need to be given permission to talk about they uncomfortable feelings, they need to be openly invited and encouraged to do so."

pg.11 "False guilt is the emotion we experience when something painful happens over which we had no control, but for which we feel responsible."

pg.15 "Because most adoptions of infants are the result of crisis pregnancies, there is at the chance that the birth mother's constant emotional distress will have a negative impact on the baby. If she chooses the way of self-protection, emotionally detaching herself from her baby, the child will sense this rejection and it may become the lens through which she views life."

pg.18 Acknowledge the reality of adoption from day one, saying things like "I'm so glad we adopted you. I'm so glad you're ours." This way, the subject becomes familiar instead of denied. Initiate conversations about pre adoption perceptions: "Do you ever wonder about your birth mother? What was your life like for you with your birth parents? Whenever you want to share your memories with us, we are always ready to listen. Validate the fact that your family has been touched by adoption and has special challenges. Create a nonjudgmental environment where they can express any emotion or thought. Learn to say, "It's all right to feel as you do. Tell me more about it." Celebrate differences between your adopted child and your biological family: "Your creativity brings such as added dimension to our family. How blessed we are to have you!" Be sensitive to the child's unspoken needs for a tangible connection to their biological past. As the child grows, respect their need to consider searching for or reconnecting with their biological family.

pg.25 "It's painful to enter into your child's suffering. It's so much easier to assume that all is well inside your child, especially if she hasn't manifested any obvious problems. But all adoptive children have been wounded, simply because they experienced a profound loss before they were embraced by their new family."

pg.27 "We're sorry too that you didn't grow in mommy's tummy." :We feel sad that we could't be with you in the past to make your world safe and secure."

pg.35 "The more open your adoption is, the larger the base of support will be for your child."

pg.38 Emotional Needs: *I need help recognizing my adoption loss and grieving it. *I need to be assures that my birth parents' decision not to parent me had nothing to do with anything defective in me/ * I need help in learning to deal with my fears of rejection- to learn that absence doesn't mean abandonment, nor a closed door that I have done something wrong. *I need permission to express all my adoption feelings and fantasies.  Educational Needs: *I need to be taught that adoption is both wonderful and painful, presenting lifelong challenges for everyone involved. *I need to know my adoption story first, then my birth story and birth family. *I need to be taught healthy ways for getting my special needs met. *I need to be prepared for hurtful things others may ay about adoption and about me as an adoptee. Validation Needs: *I need validation of my dual heritage. *I need to be assured often that I am welcome and worthy. *I need to be reminded often by my adoption parents that they delight in my biological differences and appreciate my birth family's unique contribution to our family through me. Parental Needs: *I need parents who are skillful at meetings their own emotional needs so that I can grow up with healthy role models and be free to focus on my development, rather than taking care of them. *I need parents who are willing to put aside preconceived notions about adoption and be educated about the realities of adoption and the special needs adoptive families face. *I need my adoptive and birth parents to have a noncompetitive attitude. Without this, I will struggle with loyalty issues. Relational Needs: I need friendships with other adoptees. *I need to be taught that there is a time to consider searching for my birth family and a times to give up searching. *I need to be reminded that if I am rejected by my birth family, the rejection is symptomatic of their dysfunction, not mine. Spiritual Needs: *I need to be taught that my life narrative began before I was born and that my life is not a mistake. *I need to be taught that in this broke, hurting world, loving families are formed through adoption as well as birth. *I need to be tight that I have intrinsic, immutable value as a human being. *I need to accept the fact that some of my adoption questions will never be answered in this life.

pg.47 If there is pain, the only way out is through.

pg.59 Adoption is a gift, because I am a gift.

pg.65 "Adoptive parents, especially mothers, often get the brunt of the adoptee's anger, for they are present. It is more difficult to be angry with someone who is a mystery (the birth parents). While the adoptee may harbor deep rage at the birth mother, often she is not consciously aware of it." "Children need to be taught that anger is a friend. It was created by God for a purpose; to tell us that there's a problem that needs to be confronted. Anger is a way for children to know that their experience is different than someone else's."

pg.67 "The difference between adoptee anger and any other kind of anger is that adoptees rarely talk only about their adoption-related anger at home. Why? First, it is bad practice to bite the hand that feeds you. Second, it makes parents uncomfortable. So, they store it up and let it out in other ways, some of them anti-social."

pg.70 "Emphasize to your child the true reason for relinquishment. Assure them they were not placed for adoption because of any defect in them, but because of the birth parent's inability to parent."

pg.77 Make a fairy tale about our children's adoption story. They naturally use fantasy and play to interpret and express reality. Include themes of loss (being forgotten), rescue (being found), and redemption (being worthy).

pg. 80 Make a grief box. Contains their losses, in words or items.

pg.82 Make a life book (maybe with a picture of them on the front, made into a puzzle, left some pieces missing). Write letters to their birth parents.

pg. 87 Idea to ask birth family for any baby items as keepsakes

pg. 88 Superman was adopted! :)

pg. 91 "As it has been shown in the often tumultuous relationship bewtween the adoptee and the adoptive mother, women are often seen as abandoners. The difficulty in bonding with the adoptive mother is not so much a matter of trust as it is a matter of loyalty to that first mother."

pg. 94 Ask often, "If you could ask me anything, what would it be?"

pg. 97 "It's important for parents to be aware of the adoptee's unconscious tendency toward this victim mind-set and also their need for compasson, for the adopted child literally was a victim. The feeling of being a victim is not just a fantasy, but a reality. Being abandoned often leaves one with a permanent feeling of being at the mercy of others."

pg. 104 Buy the children a picture frame with two openings, one for their first family, one for their second family

pg. 109 Help children bless their upbringing: bestow goodness, honor/beautify, to be in favor of, endorse, to smile upon, to pardon

pg. 112 Hiding things about their family may cause feelings of shame, "Was there something awful about my past or me that made you so nervous?"

pg. 114 Adoption is a lifelong journey. Questions about the birth family arise at different developmental stages.

pg. 121 Write a welcome letter to the children- welcome to the world, welcome to our family

pg. 122 Toxic shame forces us to be more than human (perfect), or less than human (a slob) . Healthy shame allows us to make mistakes, which are an integral part of beging human. The best way you as an adoptive parent can help free your child from tocis shame is to learn to laugh at your own foibles and mistakes. Because your child may believe they are a mistake, they need us to model that being human is ok. Show them our humanity. Tell them when we blow it. Help them see people don't deserve to be rejected. Teach the joy of forgiving, being forgiven, and forgiving oneself.

pg.124 "I'm here, you're safe, I won't leave you." (fear of abandonment)

pg. 141 Basic boundaries to learn: 1- "Birth mommy and I were the same, but now we are not, her lifestyle and choices don't define my identity", 2- "Adoptive mommy and I are the same." 3- Adoptive mommy and I are not the same" (take risks, mirror back things that define them- you are a hard worked!) 4- "I can do anything" (gained a sense of personal power, no longer helpless)

pg. 142 "Let your child know that their 'no' is as lovable as their 'yes'. "I love you just as much when you are angry."

pg.143 Affirmations/Committments to our children: *I will do my best to connect with you *You can count on me *You can push, but I will not let you push me away *I will care for you and for myself *We can both tell the truth and be responsble for our behaviors *I support you in learning what you may want to know about your heritage and history *You are lovable just the way you are

pg. 146 Idea: Bring info./pictures about children's heritage to our family reunions.

pg. 149 Won't bringing up differences between the children and us make them feel different, alienate them from our family? No- acknowledging the differences will only validate the emotional reality which existed long before we ever laid eyes on them. We will be saying what they already know to be true, affirming their reality. Tells us their past is important to us. Acknowledging differences is the foundation for healthy self-esteem. Do not over-emphasize the children's differences at the expense of our own heritage and traditions.

pg.176 Don't look for problems where there are none, not all kids have adjustment/attachment issues.

pg. 194 Permissive parenting out of pity or fear of hurting the children can produce a child who feels like an illegitimate son or daughter, not truly belonging.

pg. 197 *Be a confident parent *Be affectionate with each other *Maintain a united front  *Let me make choices *Give me freedom to learn from consequences *Don't discipline me n anger

pg. 209 "I hope you are beginning to see that even the part of an adoptee's journey that can be the most frightening for both of you can actually lead to significant growth and blessing. I hope you can begin to recognize your family for what it is: a grafted tree. Magnificent to behold. One of a kind. Contrary to nature. Intricate roots sprouting luxuriant leaves. Loaded with challenges for a gardener, but ultimately yielding a harvest of unparallled sweetness.