Thank you to Beth Swenson for giving us this book- I can see why it touches her heart as the author shares her passion for caring for girls who have been victims of sexual abuse.

"Another Place at the Table" by Kathy Harrison

Introduction: "I'm not sure when 'can we' changed to 'how can we' and then to 'how can we not'"
What a girl like this needed, I had. She needed some uninterrupted time with a grown-up who cared about who she was, one who could guess what it felt like to be her. She needed a bath and clean sheets and she needed to feel safe for a bit. I could do that. We could all move over a little and squeeze her in."

We have learned that perfection is all about perception.

I am slower to panic, but quicker to anger.

I'm less intimidated by people in positions of authority.

I am more aware of my limitations and better at respecting them.

We have learned that, in spite of our best intentions, we can't save everybody.

Each child has a tragic history, and each has the same potential for violence or redemption.

36- At the time, I was still learning an important lesson for foster parents. There are lots of ways to take care of children, and they aren't all going to be the way I would do it. That doesn't necessarily make my way right and someone else's wrong. Knowing t what I know now makes me a lot less critical about overdue diaper changes or hours spent in the confines of a playpen. Diapers are expensive, and sometimes a playpen is the only safe place in an apartment.

52- To foster meant learning to be satisfied with giving Band-Aids to children and families who need intense care.

70- SO much of a kid's behavior can be the result of environment. I like to let a couple of weeks go by before I start reaching any conclusions.

82- I usually meet children on the worst day of their short, hard lives.

110- When i let my bad feelings about a kid show, the other kids quickly followed suit. Kids who have issues with their own self-esteem, and all of mine did, love nothing better than to have someone they can feel superior to.

126- One we have foster children, we had priorities for them too. The best therapy is often normalizing a child. Hitting her first home run did more to bolster self-esteem than any amount of talking. Dancing lessons and soccer camp matter to kids, but the state doesn't pay for these things. Foster children feel perpetually different. I spend more than I receive in the quarterly clothing allotment on each child, but I feel the payoff is worth it; kids who feel better about themselves do better.

139- How was I supposed to give enough to each of these kids to let them grow up with he sense of family they needed to be healthy without losing them too much to let them go in the end?

205- She needed a mom more than she needed another teacher or therapist just then

Conversation after:
This is how long your life has been so far, but look how much longer you hopefully have

behind it all, kids are kids

These birth parents were six years old themselves once upon a time, and nobody helped them. If someone had, none of this would be happening now. I can have long conversations in my head in which I tell a birth parent what to do. But judgement doesn't help. What I see in the birth parents is an enormous amount of pain and anger and fear.

Children use behaviors to express their feelings, so we don't take things personally

Letter to Family and Friends

Hi family and friends, many of you have been asking about the status of our fostering process, and what brought us to this decision in the first place. So I tried to summarize a lot of what we have been thinking and talking about over the years.

Feel free to read the attached letter if you want in-depth info., but here are the highlights if you just want the basics:

1. We have completed all of the paperwork and requirements to become a foster family.  We are just waiting for our licensing worker to finish the report, and we should be ready to welcome a child when we return from Haiti, the beginning of July.  We don’t know how soon a child will be placed with us, but our licensing agency will be trying to match us with a child they feel will be a good addition to our family, as adoption is still our intended outcome. 

2. We will be licensed to take one male child, aged 2-6. We are starting with licensure for one child because our vision is to adopt one child. We want a boy so that Liam can grow up with a brother, but we also feel it is important for Liam to be older. We have specified being willing to take any race, but no children with severe deficits. 

3. These children will likely have experienced abuse and/or neglect, we will have to be patient as they work through the mixed feelings of them missing their birth parents, wanting love and safety, and trusting adults. They will likely need more supervision than our children as we won't know all of their behavior patterns and it will take time for them to learn our expectations.  There are also specific expectations the state has for has us as a foster family - guns and ammo have to be locked up separately, lighters and matches put away, clear boundaries, etc. Physical discipline is not allowed. We can use time-outs and taking away privileges, photos are not allowed to be put out on public media (FB, Twitter, etc.)

Most importantly, we need you all!  Thank you for being an important part of our family- biological or otherwise, and we thank you in advance for the positive ways you can affect another child's life!

Love,

Matt and Courtney

(the letter)

Hello friends and family!

            Most of you have probably heard by now that we have started, and actually finished the process of being licensed as a foster family. We will be approved for one male child, ages 2-6 (It’s all we can fit in our van, and comfortably in our home). It has been a very quick, 3 month process from a basic orientation to where we are now, with a lot of paperwork and home preparation. So we are just now making the time to communicate with all of you what has been behind our decision, what we hope for the future, and what kind of support we could use from you if you are willing.

What was behind our decision to foster? Adoption has been on mine and Matt’s heart since before we got married. Practically speaking, we think that all children benefit from being part of a loving family, and not all are given that opportunity (God sets the lonely in families Psalm 68:6). We also love how it is a picture of the Gospel- God welcoming us into His family, even though we do not deserve it, and often struggle with our identity (Romans 5:8) After being given both a boy and a girl biologically, we planned to pursue adopting a sibling group of two. We started taking classes and reading books, but realized that we weren’t planning to stay in PA, so we did not continue the process in that state. But in all of that training, reading, and praying, we really caught God’s heart for what a blessing children are, and this drew us to being open to God giving us another child- He quickly did!  When we got settled in Midland and started to contact adoption agencies to begin the process again. We learned in short that children rarely are available for adoption under the age of 8. The court system wants to give birth parents as many opportunities as possible to get the help they need or make the changes necessary to parent their children. If the parental rights do end up being terminated, family members or foster parents often adopt the children before they become known to other waiting families. So this was one reason we were encouraged to consider fostering. Another reason is that if we were connected with a child who is available for adoption, they would be able to stay in our home while we learned if they were a good match for us.  So we decided to take this step, but were turned down for home studies by two local agencies, saying they had too many foster families waiting for children under 10. We continued to pursue the home study, because it can lead to the most opportunities, and we finally found an organization that would complete this and provide the necessary training. This home study can be used for fostering or adoption. Still, with how complicated it seemed to start the process, we wondered if God was leading us in a different direction because even though we have this desire to adopt a child, we also want to be aware of what the needs are in our community, and be listening for how God would call us to meet those needs. So please continue to pray that God would lead the right child to us by either of these means, or that He would make it clear that we are to care for orphans in a different way.

What do we hope for in the future? So as I stated above, the main desire of our hearts has always been adoption, so our ideal scenario would be that the first child placed with us would move to adoption, and they would become a permanent member of our family. But as we have taken classes for this licensing process, we have learned more about our role as foster parents in supporting the children’s birth parents- in how we talk to them and talk about them to their child, pray for them in their struggles, and pray for birth parents to be able to properly parent their children. So we have our goals, but who knows what else God will teach us in this process and we pray that we will be faithful to follow any new goals He puts on our hearts. We know some of you have asked about the impact on the children we have already been given. We recognize that, like any time there is a new addition to the family, attention is spread a little thinner, people are forced to make more compromises with the daily schedule, and everyone will be subjected to unpredictable new behaviors. We hope that our example to our children will be an important one for them to follow- that we listen to God’s call on our lives, despite the risks to our comfort, routine, or even safety.  Our children have thankfully not experienced the hardships that children in the foster care system have, but we do want them to learn to be on the lookout for, and feel equipped to reach out to people around them who were not born into a loving family and community of people. In our decision to homeschool, many have asked if we are sheltering our kids from normal life experiences, and this is one way we can point to, to show that is not what is behind our motivation. We want our children to understand that “in this world you will have trouble”, but then to also have parents who truly believe and see the impact of knowing that “(Jesus) has overcome the world” (John 16:33). Not that we are hoping for trouble by any means, but we believe our greatest job as parents is not to keep them safe, but to help them know and love Jesus, and going through difficult situations can often cause us to seek Him and rely on Him more than when life is going smoothly. We also hope to have the opportunity to have relationships with people of a different skin color, learn about new cultures or family’s and traditions, but again we will submit to God’s providence of who He send out way.

What kind of support do we need? Some of you might think we are downright crazy.  That’s okay.  Our lives are busy and it’s not an “opportune” time.  Truth is, it never will be.  We know that we don’t have the means to survive on our own, but do know that we are ALWAYS provided for when we are walking in God’s will. It’s also hard to know what we need of course, since this is our first experience, and every child is different, especially with our fairly wide age range. But if you would like to share in this ministry with us, here are some general things we learned in our training classes, or from others, that seem worth passing on:

1.     We may not know the child’s entire history, and even if we did, it is their story to share when they are ready. We will try and share whatever information is necessary for everyone’s safety if they are in your care. You can assume there has been some level of abuse or neglect, or they wouldn’t have been removed from their home, but we should still try and treat the child like we would any other family member in terms of respect and holding them to certain basic expectations.

2.     We cannot expect, however, that they will act like the children we have raised up from infancy- their world view may be very different, having been taught or shown that lying is beneficial, boundaries are negotiable, adults are untrustworthy, they have to work really hard to get attention or their needs met, etc. Lots of psychological studies show the importance of the first three years of life for brain and personality development, so if those years were compromised, or even actively harmful, it may take a long time for children to learn new habits and beliefs about people and the world. So we ask for your patience with them, as we will be praying the same for ourselves, keep persevering in love and demonstrating how God truly designed families and communities to operate.

3.     Some practical applications of this include providing more supervision than our children typically require, reminding them multiple time about expectations and boundaries, and putting away items that our children would normally know to steer clear of (medication, sharp objects, lighters, and any guns/ammo must be locked up separately). I doubt it would come up, but we as the foster family are not allowed to help the child make any permanent changes to their appearance- tattoos, permanent hair color, piercings. etc., so please plan other activities if they are with you J We have been taught to watch for ‘triggers’- things that might spark some type of negative reaction, and avoid those. One common one is making sure we respect their choices in showing affection- ask before giving hugs or picking up, etc. Give the child as many choices as possible so they feel a sense of empowerment over their own life and develop their own personality.

4.     Lastly, but most importantly, please pray for all of us! Pray that all for the children in the foster care system would not lose hope that they will have a loving parent some day. There may be times we wonder if we should be doing this at all, and want to give up, but we want that decision to be clear from God, not by our own short-sighted discomfort or difficulties. I think it will be similar to when I asked my older sister about her training as a hospital chaplain. She stated, “It’s a fire worthy of walking through”- choosing to take on a role in which you are purposefully entering rooms where people are having the worst day of their lives. It would certainly be easier not to go in, right?! But we know as Christians, we are on a mission in this world to show people life amid, instead of, or despite the fire. We may feel like we’re getting ‘burnt’ in this process, but we are willing to follow Jesus’ example of taking up His cross and dying to Himself, so that even one person may be saved and know Him forever!

2016 Update!

So a big jump from just reading books, taking one class, to the official announcement that...
WE HAVE OUR FOSTER LICENSE!

Long story short, after talking with a few adoption agencies in Michigan, we learned that children ages 2-6 rarely become available for adoption as the birth parents are given many opportunities to try and sort out issues and properly parent their children, and foster families are given the first opportunity to adopt them if parental rights are terminated. Even if we were able to connect with a child in this age range, it was recommended that we get a foster license so the child could have longer visits with us while we get to know each other and see if we would be a good match.

We attended an orientation at Samaritas of MI in May, completed lots of paperwork, home visits, interviews, and training classes. The biggest things that were required of us were installing an egress window in our basement so the children can continue to play down there, adding a home phone line, creating emergency plans, locking up medications, getting another bed and booster seat. We also talked to a lot of family and friends about the support we would need- background checks for them to be substitute care providers, home precautions, behavior possibilities, acceptable discipline and affection, etc. We struggled with how much to ask of others since this is our family's calling, despite knowing what a wonderful community we have! So 3 short months later, we are just waiting for a call and trying to find other ways to connect with and pray for those already in the world of adoption and foster care.

One night at dinner, I was explaining to our children what the day may be like if we ever do get a call to care for a child. We would be excited, but this may be the worst day of the child's life- taken from their home and family, leaving behind most of their possessions, unknown future and unknown people...I described some of the behaviors I had read about in books and heard about in trainings, and how we would have to have love, patience, and understanding in difficult times. Their expressions turned from excitement to confusion, and our oldest daughter asked, "then why are we even doing this?" Great question! As followers of Jesus, we "have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20. So we don't make decisions any more about what would be best for us in terms of what would make us happiest, most comfortable, most successful, etc. Jesus demonstrated on earth that he goes to those who are lost, hurting, without families, without love, without food, and he welcomes them in, heals them, feeds them, clothes them...so if Jesus is living in us, we do this also- with faith, by the power of the Holy Spirit, and for His Glory!

Hope this helps to catch any of you up who are interested, and keep a record for ourselves. I will also attach the letter we sent out to family and friends to keep everything in one place.

Peace,
Courtney :)