Our New Placement, J

On Thursday night, November 2nd, I listened to a voicemail from a number I didn't recognize. It was a call for us to take a new foster placement. We had recently finished our adoption home study and profile, so I honestly had not even been thinking about foster calls. I called right back for a little more information. We knew his age and that there were some slight medical needs, and I thought I understood that there was a family who wanted to adopt him and his two sisters, so he would just be with us until that could be finalized. That last detail would have deterred us originally since we wanted to adopt, but this time, it made it slightly easier to say yes, especially if the medical needs ended up being more involved than presented. Matt and I spent the night talking and praying, and without too much debate, we said yes the following morning. I got a call mid-morning Friday afternoon asking if someone could drop him off that night. She and J called me on the way so he could ask if we had video games at our house, and was very excited to learn that we had a Wii. The first weekend was full of our normal activities, resulting in staying up later, making a lot of noise...it was definitely borderline chaotic, but mostly fun. J was wild and most from one thing to another when we were at home, wanting to see and do everything, but out of the house for sporting games, he was relaxed and quietly took it all in. We tried to get in the habit of giving J medication each morning, then again before he ate, tried to be clear about our routines and expectations, ask him a lot of questions and make space for his input. The first week was full of appointments- doctor's, registering for school, meeting with mom and siblings, and a couple from our church offered to watch our other three kids while I went to his mom's court hearing. School was out two days out of the week for voting and teacher's conferences, they hadn't received J's IEP yet, so both us and his new teacher just did the best we could for the days that he was there. I also had a ticket to fly to Florida that weekend for Grandi's memorial service, Matt was registered for a church retreat, and the friends who were planning on keeping our children agreed to watch one more...what a blessing!  So even though I arrived around 1am on Monday morning, I was excited to start this week with nothing too crazy out of the ordinary. It will be nice for all of us, especially J to get in somewhat of a routine! I am also looking forward to talking with J's caseworker about what to tell him about the outcome of his mom's court case. I was only able to attend Wednesday's court appointment, and seeing as how the judge didn't start hearing the case until 3 hours after it was scheduled, then had to break for a meeting, I only got to hear mom's testimony. It was still informative, especially going out to lunch afterwards with his former foster mom, his court advocate, and Wraparound leader. The following day I received a message from his former foster mom that after all of the "best-interest" witnesses had presented, the judge had ruled to terminate her parental rights. Many involved in the case we happy to finally have some closure since the children have been in foster care for 4 years, and this was the 4th termination hearing. I was very confused then when I got a call Friday asking when we could do parenting visits the following week. It turned out that no one published the court date in the newspaper for the fathers to see and have a chance to show up and fight for their rights, so the case is staying open for one more month to allow for this. I am praying she uses this last month of visits to leave lasting positive memories with J! Many have asked if this means that we can legally adopt J, and honestly we don't even want to think about yet- we are first grieving for his loss of family, just trying to make him feel safe, loved, and welcome here. With Thanksgiving, Christmas, and his birthday at the end of January, it seems like it would be a busy time of year to make any decisions, and I think he would be overwhelmed to learn that he wouldn't be seeing his mom again, his siblings as often, or going back to "his house" ever again. Lots of listening for the Holy Spirit going forward to know when/if there will be a right time to switch the conversation to him becoming a permanent family member in our home or somewhere else.

D Back Home

At the end of July, only about 4 months after coming to stay with us, D was moved back home with his mom and his siblings. His visits grew longer, progressing to overnight and all-day visits. We never went to any court hearings or team meetings,  but it seemed to us that D's mom must have been doing what she needed to do to show she could provide for her children. After he returned home, one of our friend's little boys had a birthday party down by where he lived and I took the chance to text his mom and ask if D could join us since he loved playing with this other boy. She responded right away and was happy for him to come, and even came in to the Chuck E Cheese to pick him up, chatted with us parents, etc. She said we are welcome to spend time with him again, but in the following 3 months we just haven't seen a good opportunity to do so. It seems like this has been a good outcome so far, and whenever we see D's photo around we thank God for the chance to have him with us for that short time and pray for his future!

A Month Gone by Quickly

Life has been just a little more hectic the past two months, so I'm excited to stop and write a little update about how it's been going. Life with D has been very similar to life with only 3 kids- sometimes smooth and joyful, other times full of arguing and stress. He is a very normal newly three-year-old, with his wonder at life, high level of activity, regular temper tantrums, and defiance of authority. His speech is harder to understand than our other children's was, but he has made progress, and we have made progress in our understanding in even just this short time. We still believe very strongly, and think that our older three grasp the importance of this calling. Here are some of the highlights we are regularly reminded of:

What a great community we have- There were so many people who have brought meals, watched some of all of our children, have children who welcomed D into the fold of friends/looked out for him, and provided clothing and other supplies to help him feel well-loved and provided for.

When God calls you to something, it is not always smooth and easy- Every Bible story we have ever told our kids has a huge element of struggle which points to God's provision and power, so we regularly remind ourselves and our children that it is the same with us. God wants us to remember that we cannot do life, or anything in it without Him, and that His missions take sacrifice but are worthy causes!

Live life to the fullest, even in the waiting- Like the exiles during the Babylonian captivity, God told them to build houses, marry, plant crops, seek the peace and prosperity of the city that took them captive, because it was to everyone's profit. We definitely feel like things with D's case are always changing, not knowing what any outcomes will be, at the mercy of other's plans, but we can leave the outcomes to God and trust that He is working all things for the good of those who love Him!

Who are my mother and my brothers? Even though we know Jesus loved his earthly family, He also emphasized that the family of God has eternal value, and challenges us to see and care for others as we would our own mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters, and children. So we are able to grow in this ability by loving someone else's child just as we would those born naturally to us, and we have seen how this helps us extend love even farther to children and older adults in our church and community in general.

Ok With Any Outcome

People continue to ask if we will be able to adopt D at some point. As we learned in our foster care trainings, the number one goal of the process is reunification with the birth parent/s because it helps the children's identity, helps bring healing and wholeness to the parents and family unit. It is difficult sometimes to think of children going back to living in an unsafe, or unloving environment, and of course we pray this will not be the case. But we have also been convicted over the last few years in general that maybe we think too highly of ourselves as parents too, and need to not judge others. Like when we were in Haiti, we saw parents caring for many children that were not their own because their parents were out working, or elsewhere in the village. Only a few of the children wore shoes, their clothing was dirty, we didn't see a lot of interaction in general between parents and children. But here in the US, we have our own sort of neglect with so much technology, schooling and extracurricular commitments, and not giving kids a chance to take on many of the responsibilities forced on children in other countries. So I hope that we will continue to pray that D knows the love of his Heavenly Father, and if possible that it would come through the love of earthly parents, other adults and friends, and not focus on what means of love, discipline, and provisions he will be given.

I have also enjoyed taking D to his visits more than expected this week. I like that I am forced to sit down for at least one hour during the day :), and as sad as I was to feel this at first, I do enjoy the time being able to interact with just my three- even taking just the three of them into a store or park where I don't have to be as nervous about unpredictable behavior.

So all in all, as much as we still would love to get the final ok to make D a permanent member of the family, we are more and more okay with any outcome. It is hard for a lot of people, and even us to believe that we would love, care for, clean up after, (and potty train) someone else's child, with no guarantee that we will get the benefit of what we want- for it to lead to adoption. So I am thankful for this unexpected lesson and sharpening of our faith, in addition to the bigger picture of adoption we hope to display for God's glory.

In the Waiting

I had a conversation recently with another family similar to ours in that they also have three children, applied to foster in hopes to adopt. But their application has been stalled for a while and it is discouraging. I know we felt them same, not with becoming license initially, but in not receiving a call for over 6 months. Here are some of the things we felt God lead us to do in the mean time, which I now see have really helped having a child (finally) enter our home.

Read: I have listed a lot of the books earlier on this blog that people recommended to us, that offered all different perspectives and aspects of adoption and fostering. These books prompted a lot of good discussions between Matt and myself, helped us get on the same page about and remember why we were making the decisions that we were, and helped us know what questions to ask.

Attend Events: Any time I saw a foster/adoption class, information meeting, parenting seminar, panel discussion, either Matt or myself tried to attend. Not only because we need the continuing education, but again it helped us be prepared with alternative discipline ideas, behaviors to be ready for, and be open to different kinds of option/fostering.

Practice with other people's children: I thought that any day we could receive a call and have another child in our home, so any time I heard about someone needing help with their child/children, I offered. I thought about how the older two and I could still get school work accomplished, how our schedule would change if we had a child napping, how everyone would help get things ready/clean up after themselves, etc. So it really wasn't a big shock to our family schedule to have another person with us- he is much more active than any of the children I volunteered to watch :) but in general 4 is not a big change from 3, especially when those 3 help as much as they often do.

Start Building a Community: Any time I would hear about another person adopting/fostering, I would ask about their experiences, offer to bring them a meal, have them over for coffee, read their blog or ask to be on their regular communications. Again, getting many different perspectives helped us to be ready for anything and I know we will be even more thankful for these people in the near future!

Fast and Pray: Other than doing necessary paperwork, I found that I was not thinking about the whole process, children, or families at all unless someone asked. So having a weekly time to fast and pray, focus on either some aspect at hand, ask God for wisdom He knows I will need, etc. has been so helpful in really feeling God's presence in the whole process.

Remember

Just like the Israelite people had to constantly be reminded of God's faithfulness, love, and power, despite many miraculous signs and times of deliverance, I am remembering how God has provided for me in the past when I was feeling overwhelmed and I trust He will provide again. He will increase my love and patience even more, He will be my rest, He will help me see His purposes and glory around me.

We picked up D on our way home from the airport, flying in from a 5-day vacation to visit family. So we were all pretty tired, but excited to finally be a fostering family. When our van pulled up to his, D recognized us right away, pointed at me and said, "mama!" He was climbing all over the chairs/table in the restaurant we went to for dinner, but we were too tired to practice our regular discipline. So the next few days we were trying to be consistent, loving, and observant. We see that he loves marshmallows, cantaloupe, but will generally ask for everything anyone is having but only take a bite of it. He loves to run, jump/spin, crash around in the Cozy Coupe, and is really afraid of play-doh! He tried ice-skating with us today and was very much a 2-year old, asking for help one second, them screaming at me the next to 'stop it- I do it!" This would be easier to manage if my other three kids weren't having their own meltdowns because they weren't as good skaters as their friends, hit their elbow in the same place 3 times, wanted space on my lap while resting.... I remember these feelings from when we brought our third daughter home from the hospital. The older two caused a lot of commotion and more work trying to "help"with the baby, but we truly believe that involving them in the newest family member's care has produced closer relationships, rewarded their desires for serving others, and has helped them become genuinely helpful as they got older. So I will keep trying to persevere in love, and remember to see their hearts instead of the present inconvenience, like when I yelled at my oldest today when she kept reaching to pick him up after I had laid him down for a nap. I plan to start one of the habits someone told me about when I was overwhelmed with two kids under 2, and go into their room when they're asleep, looking like angels :) and pray over them, remember how Jesus treated the little children that came to Him despite the many other responsibilities he had. I know it was one of the ways God helped me to see children as He does and I will feel His presence when I remember!

Logistics

We were planning on picking D up from a visit with his mom and siblings, but I misread the time on the text, and we got got a call that he was already headed back home and we wouldn't be able to meet up with his that night. I was really upset, not only because I wanted to have the chance for one more visit before his transition, but also because it made me doubt my abilities to keep everything straight despite multiple means of communication and note-taking. It took a while, but I think I have convinced myself that I am thankful for the reminder that I in fact CANNOT do it all- that I will mess up a time here or there, or forget something I was supposed to remember/bring. And these character flaws will be great teaching opportunities for all of the children in our home, and a reminder of God's grace for me and need for Him!

All about D

He's here :) Just for a night, until next week when he stays for the foreseeable future. I want to remember these early times, especially if he ends up staying with us for a while. Having a 2 year old was busier than my parenting role has been over the last few years, but the older kids were so eager to help, and Ellie was especially disappointed if her affection was not returned. His favorite things so far- driving the cozy coupe inside or out, at an extremely fast pace! Ice cubes and marshmallows were also a hit. He calls us Mama and Daddy, and Matt was a hit with his underdogs on the swing and book reading. The word 'no' didn't seem to register, and he only had a few intelligible words, so I am hoping he makes a lot of progress in that area. All of the kids tried to sleep in the same room, but the girl's got tired of telling D to go back to bed, so they moved back into their room and everyone was asleep. Within 10 minutes. We were told he runs away in crowds, so we are hoping to be on top of things when we attend some events with him tomorrow. Lots of smiles and laughs so far

Ready or Not!

I had that, "I'm so thankful it's Thursday" moment again this morning, because we are scheduled to have an overnight visit with a 2.5 year old boy tomorrow that will be coming to stay with us when we return from a weekend in New Jersey. On the one hand, it was a good feeling that it seems like our lives have become so flexible and ok with the unpredictable, that the thought of another child entering our home and joining us in some family fun doesn't seem like a big shock. On the other hand, I would rather know that I put more thought and prayer into this change, than not enough, and continue to seek wisdom that only God can give, because I'm sure we are in for many more surprises. We all went to the craft store yesterday and bought a wooded "D" to add to Liam's name letter wall, so it now says L & D. Liam was very proud to paint it the same color as his, and make his room a welcoming environment. We asked his current foster mom what his favorite food and hobbies are, and we will need to re-install one of our toddler car seats, but other than that, we think we are ready...or not.

Our First 'No'

It's hard for me to even write "Our First 'No'", because it's acknowledges that there might be other times when we say 'no' to a placement call. I had just told someone the other day that I felt good being able to say that even if we never got the chance to have a child in our home, at least we had said yes at multiple steps of the way- when adoption didn't seem right, we said yes to fostering, the first call where a child lived far away, we said yes to the distance, and we said yes to the second call for a child with some medical needs. So when I got this call, I thought maybe God had been helping us wade in the water in preparation for this deep plunge- a child living far away (with parental and sibling visits), and major medical needs. Matt and I talked and very confidently agreed we were not equipped for this child, but I realized it hurt my pride more than anything to say no. So today I am reflecting on and reminding myself that even though this whole process is growing our character more and more, that's not the entire point, and sometimes saying no develops out character too. It's not that we should stick to our list of what we committed to- even though we put parameters on based on wise advise, we should still seek God's counsel before every decision, and I have to face that sometimes the answer will be no.

It's Thursday!

I woke up this morning and very quickly thought, "it's Thursday, I get to pray today!" I almost laughed out loud at myself because it sounded so silly. It was like setting I now had permission to pray/take some time away from other things to ask God for direction specifically about fostering/adopting, or anything else He wanted to bring to mind. I absolutely realize this gift of prayer is available to me, and encouraged constantly, but at least for me, it has taken a specific commitment to help me remember.

I sent out my first e-mail to that prayer e-mail list, and I was happy to get responses from people with their encouragement and confirmation that God is in control of the lives of everyone involved. It feels great to include our friends and family in the process!

Placement Calls

Just wanting to remember each child/situation that we have had the chance to even hear about, to be a part of their support network in prayer.

Chrissy's sister-in-law's baby (Bailey Grace)
Jordan- (2012) two younger siblings
Jesus- (2012) two siblings
Unknown- (2014) one older sister
Davarrion (2014) 3 older siblings
Joshua (2011) one younger, two older sisters, one older brother)

Emergency Test E-mail

I read an article a couple of weeks ago about a family that has fostered and adopted, and one of the things that stuck out to me was how she had a group of people that she could e-mail in moments of difficulty to ask for prayer. She could just feel the coverage and support of these praying friends. So today I am also creating a prayer group e-mail and want to send out a test e-mail to ask for prayer to prepare us in whatever way God knows we need to be. I may also be asking some of these same (local) people to make sure they have turned in any paperwork they still have to be our substitute care providers in case we need more than prayer :)

Priorities

I look at my schedule many times a day- I feel like I am lost without it, and really I just know I'm forgetful. If something is really important, I put it on my Google calendar and set up alerts. Long story short, I didn't put "lunch fasting and prayer" on my schedule, and every Friday for the last month, it hit me that I had missed it. It was only then that I even thought about children in foster care, our future in adoption and fostering, or really even praying. So today I put it on my calendar, not because it will be checked off my spiritual disciplines checklist or because it will put me in a greater standing with God. Rather, the Bible constantly reminds us that our strength is not by might or power, but the Spirit of God, and the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. So along with scheduling, I have started praying that I would be drawn more to prayer, so that eventually I would not have the schedule it- that I would just be drawn regularly to the One in whom I put my life, trust, love, and faith!

Thursday Lunch Fast

I originally started two blogs (when it was a new and exciting thing)- Remy Adoption Journey, and By Prayer and Fasting. The first seems pretty self-explanatory. The second was in response to a commitment I made to weekly fasting from one meal, and take that time to ask God what he would have me pray for, and remind myself that some things God only makes possible "by prayer and fasting" (from the story about the disciples casting out demons). I am now combining these two blogs, and am fasting from Thursday's lunch in order to pray for children in the foster care system, and our role in the process. I found that other than taking the training courses, I was thinking and praying very little for this, and when people would ask us where we were in the process, I would have only small details to report if any. And while some of this lies in the contentment and thankfulness of the children and life we have currently, I recognized that if this was something God laid on our heart to do, I would like to have more emotional/spiritual/physical investment than simply filling out paperwork and taking classes. So hopefully I will be able to report some more things I am learning/hearing from God, and finding connections with during these Thursday lunch times.

Our First Call- January 2017

I saw the name of our social worker pop up on my phone and planned to just wait to see if she left a message, thinking that she was just following up on some piece of information she needed. But even though I was watching a friend's three kids in addition to my own three, I decided to find a somewhat quiet corner and take the call. She said, "I'll start with the good news..." then went on to say that she might have a child for us, and describe his age, race, and a little about his family situation. The "bad" news was that he lived about an hour away, had two other siblings, and a judge was likely to rule twice-weekly visits with his mom and possibly an additional visit with his two younger siblings. The visits alone would be a pretty big time commitment for the kids and myself, may impact our normal schooling routine, and other activities. So now was where the proverbial rubber met the road- what did we sign up for? Do we expect all elements to fit perfectly into our lives, or are we willing to make some sacrifices, to change our schedule, to be a little uncomfortable, to take risks? We were told that the family (or just mom- not sure) were in court right now, and we need to make a decision about whether we would take this older boy by the time the case was finished in case the judge ruled to remove the children from the home. Matt and I talked over the phone, I talked to the kids, and they were ecstatic- they made a banner for him, cleared off the dresser and bed that has been reserved for a foster chid in our home. A couple of hours later, we heard that the decision would be postponed until tomorrow. Matt and I discussed more about how we would work out myself and our oldest daughter still going on a planned trip over the weekend. We wanted to make sure he felt safe and comfortable, but also for the stability and long-term plan of our family, we knew we still needed to have special times with each of the children and other friends/family. Along with that, we had to go about our normal plan the next day, not knowing whether or not we would have to cut out on something to go and pick up this little boy. I was very transparent with the kids about how I was feeling very excited to finally get the chance to put into practice all of the training and paperwork, care for someone in need, and for us to learn more about loving others. I also knew that if we 'got the chance' to care for this child, it meant that he was separated from his parents, and that was heartbreaking too. So the kids and I prayed that God would know what is good and right to do, and that we would be ready to serve when we were called- now or later. I was very thankful to even have the chance to pray for a child specifically by name, to pray for these parents, and learn a little bit more about how things might start off. I got a text around dinner time saying that the judge ruled not to remove the children from the home. Our kids were the most disappointed of all, and we talked out loud to ourselves, as to them, that we are trusting in God's protection and justice to be served, either now or in eternity. So it ended up being a quick 24 hours with a few exciting phone calls and texts, lots of prayer, and reminding ourselves of why we feel God is calling us to fostering.

Next steps:
1. Be ready for another call by confirming that we have some substitute care providers in town that could help us continue a lot of our normally scheduled activities with or without children, and help those that would be most affected, like our homeschool co-op, picture how things might change with the addition of another child.
2. Attend an adoption orientation, to start creating a profile for multiple agencies to be able to refer children to us that might need a permanent home.
3. Keep praying :)

Notes from PRIDE training

Some ideas from our PRIDE training courses I want to remember:
- Let each child pick a dinner on a certain night of the week.
- We are not taking the children, we are taking care of the children
- A child's personality is set by age 3
- The frequency of positive interactions is more important than the depth of each interaction.
- Don't make promises we can't keep, but we could say something like, "As long as you are with me, I will keep you safe"
- Validate, "this must be scary for you to be in a new home here"
- Ask how the child is used to celebrating something
- What was their daily routine?
- Give lots of choices!
- Always keep my word
- Have dolls, books, toys of the child's race
- Get pictures of birth parents for child to have/hold/display
- Keep everything they came with- even clothes they outgrow
- Keep a journal of how the child responds after visits with their parents
- Don't react to discipline issues- respond well
- Discipline should be geared towards helping children learn self-control and enhance their development
- Give kids grocery "expectations, list, reward"
- To foster means to help grow/nurture
- To adopt means to take as your own