"The Adoption Decision"

Book Notes From "The Adoption Decision"

pg.9 "When you decide to build your family through adoption, your "parental landscape" changes, and you begin to construct an entirely new mind-set. You excavate long-held beliefs in the improtance of bloodlines and pour a new foundtaion, whose cement is love and commitment for a child with whom you have no genetic connection."

pg.22 Things we should pray for: For God to....
       * Direct our process
       * Help Matt and I agree on the process/direction of adoption
       * To send encouragers and support as we proceed
       * Soften the hearts of those opposed to parts or the whole of adoption
       * Provide wisdom for professionals who advocate on our behalf and the children's
       * Comfort and direct our future children's birth parents
       * Protection and love for our future children

In this journey towards adoption, we will experience the thrill of excitement mixed with fear of the unknown. We will learn everything we can. At some point, we wll take a leap of faith, unsure about what's in store, but committing to devote the remainder of our lives to the children we hope to add to our family.

Blood is thicker than water concept: The Bible offers a different view of this old saying. God chooses us to be his adopted children. God's son, Jesus, gives us a new birth (adopts us), and and inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritancea- eternal life - is ours because Jesus shed His blood to free us from our sins. Our inheritance is not passed down to us through bloodlines, but through the blood Jesus shed to provide us permanent release from our sins. 

Be willing to live frugally and make sacrifices to save money for adoptions.

Keep our support system informed regularly of updates so they know they are engaging in the process with us.

Find support groups for parents, siblings, and adoptees.

The older the child, the more likely the adoption will be disrupted or dissolved. Children with behavioral and emotional needs and those who've experienced multiple foster care placements have a greater chance of experiencing a disrupted adoption.

When people ask about the children's backgrounds, we could say, "We have some information about their backgrounds and we see ourselves as guardans of their stories. When they're the right age, we will give them their story and they can decide with whom to share it."

When parents adopt older children, we can make more of a love match. We can look for children with whom we share common ground, like introverted, extroverted, sports-minded, or outdoorsy.

Have conversations with our children like, "What do you think? You are going to be sharing mommy and daddy forever. You are sharing your home and your heritage, everything about your life. When you get married, they will be at your wedding. They're going to be your family long after we are gone." This will help them own the adoption process too, and minimize resentment.

Adopting older children has many advantages and disadvantages. We will usually know their medical history, process feelings and memories about their birth families, foster families, know how any negative experiences could be afffecting them. They may lack basic skills for their age, have received poor education. They will have been disappointed by countless adults and uprooted from most like circumstances, have lack of trust for adults. They may cling to us every minute, withdrawl or act reserved. They may rage, bully, manipulate, or act resentful for everything you do. She may love us, but not be able to express it, or receive it. Learn to accept their lack of gratitude with grace, be ready to love unconditionally without expecting anything is return. Adopting older children is not for the faint of heart, but our children are worth the fight. Have a well-developed sense of humor and superb problem-solving skills.

60 percent of the children who age out of foster care end up in prison or in the homeless population.

Give children time and space to observe and absorb our family culture.

Children need consistency- keep schedules and routines they had in foster care.

Expect trouble sleeping, toileting problems, overeating.

Other people are surious and will ask a lot of questions. Use the conversations as opporunities to talk about the joys of adoption and the way God adopts us into His family.

Our job will be to train our children to survive and thrive in a racist world. Talk about racism in age appropraite ways. Explain why people are staring at our family. Identify some of the names that people may call them, or us. Strategize responses to racist jokes, dirty looks, insults, and inferior treatment directed to our children.

From an African American adopted by white parents: "The lack of secure and meaningful attachments to other African American people was a vacuum that bore a hole into the bottom of my self-esteem reserve. Draining steadily out of me was the substance of my postive regard for the person I was...I never wanted my blackness to be nullified, denied, or erased. I just wanted it to be placed in it's proper context within the set of characteristics that made up who I was. I wanted my skin color, physical features, and cultural heritage to be appreciated and valued...I needed them to actively plant the seed in me that this racial part of my person was a good thing."

Rather than fearing the limits of our ability to love, ask God to nudge our heart open a little farther.

We will be our children's primary advocates as we work with pediatricians, specialists social workers, child psychiatrists, caregivers, therapist, insurance providers, and school personnel. We will need to possess several critical characteristics: courage, optimism, willingness to learn, sense of humor, perseverance, creativity, flexibility, determination, and thick skin.

The best gift we can give to our children is a strong marriage.

More than 30% of adopted children have learning or attention problems. Between 40 and 80% of foster children have significant mental health problems. More than 800,000 children with severe detachment disorder come to the attention of the child welfare system every year. Adopted children are 10 times more likely than their nonadopted peers to be at risk for psychological mal-development.

Balancing our children's privacy and their need for specialized attention can be tricky. We want to honor our kids by not revealing the details of their life stories, but we also have to educate people, otherwise, they'll wonder why our kids are always misbehaving.

While openness is steadily increasing in popularity, continuing contact after the child's birth is not always a valid option. I do not advocate for openness when a child has been abused or neglected by the birth parents, or when a birth parent abuses drugs or engages in a lifestyle that could expose their children to emotional or physical safety risks.

Often times the birth parents have little experience setting healthy boundaries in relationships and will struggle during the transition. Anticipate emotional distress from the birth parents, negotiate a tentative action plan for communication.

Choose to look for the best in one another (Birth and adoptive parents), and together, give our children the best of ourselves. Remember our relationship between us is not about us, but about our children.